I have been dreading the arrival of May for two reasons; one was Elvis' due date and the other was Mother's Day. I had mixed emotions about both events and it really didn't help that they were two consecutive days, May 12, Mother's Day and May 13, baby boy's due date.
Well, yesterday I 'celebrated' the first one. We all gathered at my mom's house. My mom, my two sisters, and my sister-in-law all had their children in tow. It is a strange feeling to feel like a mother without have any little ones to wrap your arms around or point out in pride. My family is and always has been so supportive and validating. They all got together and picked out a necklace for me.
When I opened the little brown gift box and saw his name I cried. And I sobbed as I went around the room hugging and squeezing all my family. I knew they would likely get me a gift but I didn't know that it would be exactly what I had been wanting to purchase for myself. I was so happy and relieved because I had been trying to decide which one to pick but my beautiful family picked it for me...and it was perfect! It has Elvis' name and an owl etched into it with his birthstone dangling next to them. It means a lot to me because I now have his name around my neck, it helps it to feel more real, like I have something to show off now.
Today is sort of the last day of Elvis' chapter, not his story, but end of my pregnancy with him, real and daydreamed. Even after he was born I set myself on hold for him. I knew he still belonged in my womb so I made no great attempts to fill his spot. I spent many days imaging how huge my belly would be and thinking how I should not be able to cuddle my husband so easily. In some ways getting through today will be relieving, like I won't betray him by getting pregnant again or bringing another child into our lives. I wish today could have ended with a long laborious delivery and a screaming baby boy in my arms, hours of visitors, and then finally a jubilant silence as our little family rests... but that is not how this day will go. Nor any day soon. This scenario will likely never play out this way. That's okay...I got my birth story and I got my son. I will never lose those memories and I will never lose the overwhelming love that I have for my forever baby, Elvis.
Well, yesterday I 'celebrated' the first one. We all gathered at my mom's house. My mom, my two sisters, and my sister-in-law all had their children in tow. It is a strange feeling to feel like a mother without have any little ones to wrap your arms around or point out in pride. My family is and always has been so supportive and validating. They all got together and picked out a necklace for me.
When I opened the little brown gift box and saw his name I cried. And I sobbed as I went around the room hugging and squeezing all my family. I knew they would likely get me a gift but I didn't know that it would be exactly what I had been wanting to purchase for myself. I was so happy and relieved because I had been trying to decide which one to pick but my beautiful family picked it for me...and it was perfect! It has Elvis' name and an owl etched into it with his birthstone dangling next to them. It means a lot to me because I now have his name around my neck, it helps it to feel more real, like I have something to show off now.
Today is sort of the last day of Elvis' chapter, not his story, but end of my pregnancy with him, real and daydreamed. Even after he was born I set myself on hold for him. I knew he still belonged in my womb so I made no great attempts to fill his spot. I spent many days imaging how huge my belly would be and thinking how I should not be able to cuddle my husband so easily. In some ways getting through today will be relieving, like I won't betray him by getting pregnant again or bringing another child into our lives. I wish today could have ended with a long laborious delivery and a screaming baby boy in my arms, hours of visitors, and then finally a jubilant silence as our little family rests... but that is not how this day will go. Nor any day soon. This scenario will likely never play out this way. That's okay...I got my birth story and I got my son. I will never lose those memories and I will never lose the overwhelming love that I have for my forever baby, Elvis.