Happy St. Patrick's Day all! Today, 4 years ago Ray and I got the keys to our first home and it is my parent's dating anniversary. St. Patrick's day is also the day we had hoped to have our very first baby shower for Elvis. I am a good portion Irish so this day seemed perfect to celebrate our little one. I would have been almost 32 weeks today. Instead I will spend the day reflecting on my son and the what could have been but also the precious time we did get with him.
I was admitted to the hospital just before midnight on Sunday, November 25 2012. I spent several hours in the triage room on the labor and delivery floor undergoing examinations and test to confirm that the delivery of my son was imminent. The doctors confirmed that my water had indeed broke and I had lost practically all of my amniotic fluid. Since I was only 16 weeks there was no way to save the baby. There was no way that I could make it another two months, another 8 weeks, to the point that babies are deemed viable. Even if he could miraculously live that long, he would not have been able to develop properly with no amniotic fluid and would be unable to move without the bag of water to keep the uterus from squishing him. My husband asked a million questions and kept pleading for any hope from the doctors but they were straightforward. With tears in their eyes, they told us repeatedly that nothing could be done and that I must deliver our son in the next few hours to avoid serious complications for myself from the infection already thriving in my uterus.
We were moved to a quiet wing on the labor and delivery ward and put in an actual birthing room, room 316. I later realized that this was the same room my niece had been born in earlier that year in April, who shared Elvis' due date. How twisted life can be sometimes. I was told to try and rest and the induction would begin around 9am. First off, resting in a hospital is impossible when they are checking your vitals and temperature every hour but then knowing what you are waiting for is like a waking nightmare. I never slept that day.
One by one my family began to arrive as we hit the early morning hours. My mom called my eldest sister, and she was able to call my other sister and so on. By the time they came to administer my first round of inducing medications, at 9am, my whole family was there and my very best friend. All my siblings had brought their spouses and my mom and dad were there and my friend Jackie. I kept thinking this is how I had wanted it to be when he was born but I wanted a happier ending than what I knew was in store. As the drugs slowly began to take effect, Ray and I had to discuss whether we would want to see our baby after delivery, and would we want to hold him and have pictures taken. We were both so scared. We had no idea how developed he would be and if we could even really touch him. I said I definitely wanted to see and hold him but Ray was not sure. He had tears in his eyes as he said, " I really don't think I can..." I told him he did not have to do anything but I said you do not want to leave with any regrets. " This is all we get." I told him.
They came in again around 11am to do another round of the tablets. They had previously inserted them near my cervix but they said the progression was going very slow and that orally might work quicker. Even though I was on a steady dose of antibiotics my temperature was rising at this point and doctors were anxious to get the baby delivered. I on the other hand was terrified and knew I wasn't ready but I also knew I would never be ready for the next step. I tried to casually chat with my visitors to keep myself calm as I held the oral tablet in my cheek, as instructed. Within 20 minutes I began have contractions. They quickly escalated and I was soon needing to breath through them. I held anyone's hand who would offer it and just focused on getting through each contraction. I would not have to fully dilate but I would need to get to about 6 centimeters. They asked if I wanted an epidural and I turned it down. I did not really want any drugs, I just wanted to experience labor, a right I felt I had earned. I was happy it hurt because then I knew it was real, that he was real.
I was not long before the contractions were intense and coming very quickly. I no longer spoke, I just breathed. I was in awe of the pain and intensity but was happy to be in it. This was my birth story, mine.
Suddenly, I could feel him slide into the birth canal. I instinctively flexed and did not let him leave me. "He is here. Get the nurse." I told my family. I did not dare cry because I did not want him to get pushed out. The nurse came in and lifted the blanket and I finally released him. He was out and my heart was pounding. I couldn't see him yet with my knees up and the blanket draped over them. Everyone was just sitting quietly. Ray, who had been by my side through all of it, squeezed me and began to sob. I could tell how scared he was to see our baby. I said you don't have to look but you can't leave me. The nurse took about two minutes pulling him out and readying the umbilical cord. My sister told me later that she could see him moving just a little. It breaks my heart to think about him feeling the cold air and hands all over his little body. Finally, the nurse was ready and asked if I wanted to hold him. I nodded with tears filling my eyes and my heart beating out of my chest.
He was gently wrapped in a hospital towel as she handed him to me. He was so much bigger than I expected and he looked like...a baby. He was perfect! He had all his parts, including the ones that let us know for the first time that we had a son. We had never gotten to his anatomy scan but that whole day I had known he was a boy. I just stared as the little being in my hands for a long time. My family snapped lots of photos, I am so thankful they did because at that moment I could not think. I just looked at him and cried and smiled and felt an incredible wave of a variety of emotions. I finally turned to Ray who had at first buried his head in my shoulder when he saw our son coming but now he was just staring with me at our baby. I thought as he lay there so still that he had already passed. But as I touched his hand, after not more than a minute, I swear he pulled away from me a little. My eyes were so blurred, though, that I was not sure. Then a moment later his mouth open just a bit and then closed and I knew he was gone.
Everyone slowly worked there way over to us and just stared at him in wonder. He was beautiful and it shocked every body. None of us knew what to expect from a him being so very early but there he was perfectly formed into a miniature baby. His skin was still very red, almost purple, but every other bit of him was as any other baby. He even looked SO much like Ray I could not believe it! I held him all day barely letting anyone else hold him but I beamed with pride when they did. My body had made this amazing being and I was so proud of how big and perfect he really was.
We stayed the night at the hospital. I did not sleep at all. I just laid with him in bed touching his body and trying to memorize every bit knowing I would have to say goodbye soon. I even got up in the middle of the night and rocked him in the rocking chair and felt his little body on my chest. I tried to make memories that I could hold onto. I knew he was already gone but I could not let him go. The nurses continued to check me all through the night and by morning my fever had broke.
The day he was born and the day following were so sunny. Ray and I sat near the window most of the next day taking in our last moments with our son. We smiled and cried and held him and took a few more pictures. We had not realized that the worst part was yet to come, saying goodbye forever. As it became evening we knew it was time to let him go. His body was cold and stiffing. I knew this was his way of showing us that he was already gone. My mom and my two sisters sat with us as we sobbed and tried to say find a way to let him go. I wrapped him in his tiny blanket one more time. As I finished I began to whale uncontrollably and my legs began to give. Ray held me up as we took our last pictures with him and called for the nurse to take him away. I sat on the bed and stared as she rolled him away in the hospital cradle. I tried again to not cry so I could absorb every last visual moment. After he was taken I curled up in the hospital bed and cried. My family loaded the car as I laid there. The nurse came and wheeled me out of the hospital, I tried not to look at the happy families in the waiting room as we made it out to the car. The drive home was quiet and surreal. Leaving the hospital made it all seem like a dream but it wasn't, this was our life now. And over the next few months we would have to try to create a new normal for ourselves without our baby.
Elvis Davanzo born November 26, 2012 at 1:20pm. He weighed 3 oz and was 6.5 inches long at 16 weeks gestation. He lived for 1 minute according to his death certificate but he will live a lifetime in our hearts.
Our love crosses all universes, it cannot be measured. Love forever ~ Mom & Dad
I was admitted to the hospital just before midnight on Sunday, November 25 2012. I spent several hours in the triage room on the labor and delivery floor undergoing examinations and test to confirm that the delivery of my son was imminent. The doctors confirmed that my water had indeed broke and I had lost practically all of my amniotic fluid. Since I was only 16 weeks there was no way to save the baby. There was no way that I could make it another two months, another 8 weeks, to the point that babies are deemed viable. Even if he could miraculously live that long, he would not have been able to develop properly with no amniotic fluid and would be unable to move without the bag of water to keep the uterus from squishing him. My husband asked a million questions and kept pleading for any hope from the doctors but they were straightforward. With tears in their eyes, they told us repeatedly that nothing could be done and that I must deliver our son in the next few hours to avoid serious complications for myself from the infection already thriving in my uterus.
We were moved to a quiet wing on the labor and delivery ward and put in an actual birthing room, room 316. I later realized that this was the same room my niece had been born in earlier that year in April, who shared Elvis' due date. How twisted life can be sometimes. I was told to try and rest and the induction would begin around 9am. First off, resting in a hospital is impossible when they are checking your vitals and temperature every hour but then knowing what you are waiting for is like a waking nightmare. I never slept that day.
One by one my family began to arrive as we hit the early morning hours. My mom called my eldest sister, and she was able to call my other sister and so on. By the time they came to administer my first round of inducing medications, at 9am, my whole family was there and my very best friend. All my siblings had brought their spouses and my mom and dad were there and my friend Jackie. I kept thinking this is how I had wanted it to be when he was born but I wanted a happier ending than what I knew was in store. As the drugs slowly began to take effect, Ray and I had to discuss whether we would want to see our baby after delivery, and would we want to hold him and have pictures taken. We were both so scared. We had no idea how developed he would be and if we could even really touch him. I said I definitely wanted to see and hold him but Ray was not sure. He had tears in his eyes as he said, " I really don't think I can..." I told him he did not have to do anything but I said you do not want to leave with any regrets. " This is all we get." I told him.
They came in again around 11am to do another round of the tablets. They had previously inserted them near my cervix but they said the progression was going very slow and that orally might work quicker. Even though I was on a steady dose of antibiotics my temperature was rising at this point and doctors were anxious to get the baby delivered. I on the other hand was terrified and knew I wasn't ready but I also knew I would never be ready for the next step. I tried to casually chat with my visitors to keep myself calm as I held the oral tablet in my cheek, as instructed. Within 20 minutes I began have contractions. They quickly escalated and I was soon needing to breath through them. I held anyone's hand who would offer it and just focused on getting through each contraction. I would not have to fully dilate but I would need to get to about 6 centimeters. They asked if I wanted an epidural and I turned it down. I did not really want any drugs, I just wanted to experience labor, a right I felt I had earned. I was happy it hurt because then I knew it was real, that he was real.
I was not long before the contractions were intense and coming very quickly. I no longer spoke, I just breathed. I was in awe of the pain and intensity but was happy to be in it. This was my birth story, mine.
Suddenly, I could feel him slide into the birth canal. I instinctively flexed and did not let him leave me. "He is here. Get the nurse." I told my family. I did not dare cry because I did not want him to get pushed out. The nurse came in and lifted the blanket and I finally released him. He was out and my heart was pounding. I couldn't see him yet with my knees up and the blanket draped over them. Everyone was just sitting quietly. Ray, who had been by my side through all of it, squeezed me and began to sob. I could tell how scared he was to see our baby. I said you don't have to look but you can't leave me. The nurse took about two minutes pulling him out and readying the umbilical cord. My sister told me later that she could see him moving just a little. It breaks my heart to think about him feeling the cold air and hands all over his little body. Finally, the nurse was ready and asked if I wanted to hold him. I nodded with tears filling my eyes and my heart beating out of my chest.
He was gently wrapped in a hospital towel as she handed him to me. He was so much bigger than I expected and he looked like...a baby. He was perfect! He had all his parts, including the ones that let us know for the first time that we had a son. We had never gotten to his anatomy scan but that whole day I had known he was a boy. I just stared as the little being in my hands for a long time. My family snapped lots of photos, I am so thankful they did because at that moment I could not think. I just looked at him and cried and smiled and felt an incredible wave of a variety of emotions. I finally turned to Ray who had at first buried his head in my shoulder when he saw our son coming but now he was just staring with me at our baby. I thought as he lay there so still that he had already passed. But as I touched his hand, after not more than a minute, I swear he pulled away from me a little. My eyes were so blurred, though, that I was not sure. Then a moment later his mouth open just a bit and then closed and I knew he was gone.
Everyone slowly worked there way over to us and just stared at him in wonder. He was beautiful and it shocked every body. None of us knew what to expect from a him being so very early but there he was perfectly formed into a miniature baby. His skin was still very red, almost purple, but every other bit of him was as any other baby. He even looked SO much like Ray I could not believe it! I held him all day barely letting anyone else hold him but I beamed with pride when they did. My body had made this amazing being and I was so proud of how big and perfect he really was.
We stayed the night at the hospital. I did not sleep at all. I just laid with him in bed touching his body and trying to memorize every bit knowing I would have to say goodbye soon. I even got up in the middle of the night and rocked him in the rocking chair and felt his little body on my chest. I tried to make memories that I could hold onto. I knew he was already gone but I could not let him go. The nurses continued to check me all through the night and by morning my fever had broke.
The day he was born and the day following were so sunny. Ray and I sat near the window most of the next day taking in our last moments with our son. We smiled and cried and held him and took a few more pictures. We had not realized that the worst part was yet to come, saying goodbye forever. As it became evening we knew it was time to let him go. His body was cold and stiffing. I knew this was his way of showing us that he was already gone. My mom and my two sisters sat with us as we sobbed and tried to say find a way to let him go. I wrapped him in his tiny blanket one more time. As I finished I began to whale uncontrollably and my legs began to give. Ray held me up as we took our last pictures with him and called for the nurse to take him away. I sat on the bed and stared as she rolled him away in the hospital cradle. I tried again to not cry so I could absorb every last visual moment. After he was taken I curled up in the hospital bed and cried. My family loaded the car as I laid there. The nurse came and wheeled me out of the hospital, I tried not to look at the happy families in the waiting room as we made it out to the car. The drive home was quiet and surreal. Leaving the hospital made it all seem like a dream but it wasn't, this was our life now. And over the next few months we would have to try to create a new normal for ourselves without our baby.
Elvis Davanzo born November 26, 2012 at 1:20pm. He weighed 3 oz and was 6.5 inches long at 16 weeks gestation. He lived for 1 minute according to his death certificate but he will live a lifetime in our hearts.
Our love crosses all universes, it cannot be measured. Love forever ~ Mom & Dad